Saturday, April 2, 2011

Season 14 Episode 1: Sexual Healing

Buy S14E01 - Sexual Healing on Amazon for 1.99


Inside Tiger Wood's mansion, Elin, Tiger's wife, discovered that Tiger has been receiving text messages from a hooker on Thanksgiving night, and that he has been cheating on her. Elin is furious and decides to harass Tiger with a golf club. After being harassed, Tiger gets the "fuck away from" Elin, driving away with his car. Then, Elin runs behind the car, almost breaking through the back window. Tiger loses control of the car, hits the fire hydrant and a tree. Then, all of this turns out to be Cartman and Kenny playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2011 for Xbox. 

In a meeting, scientists suggest that the nation of America is in "sex addiction epidemic", after numerous incidents of successful and rich celebrities being engaged in sexual affairs.

In order to stop the spread of sex addiction, the government decides to run a sexual addiction test across the nation. Surprisingly, many young men were classified as sex addicts according to the test.

Kenny, Kyle and Butters are classified as sex addicts, and are immediately sent to a sex addiction therapy. However, Kenny experiments with his supposed 'auto erratic affixation' and chokes himself to death with a belt in a batman costume. During Kenny's funeral, Butters, who is obsessed with 'bushes', goes up to a tree bush and try to touch it. Fearing the negativities of 'sex addiction', Kyle try stop Butters from feeding his sexual hunger of touching the tree bush.

Kyle and Butters go to a sex addiction therapy, among with many other sex addicts such as David Letterman, Bill Clinton and Charlie Sheen. Again, Butters express his desire to think about bush.

The scientists have been experimenting with the chimpanzees and they have figured out that having a lot of money had direct correlation with the desire to have a lot of sex. When the scientists gave a normal adult male chimpanzee a lot of money, it suddenly went around and started humping other chimpanzees.

The scene goes back to the sex therapy session, and Kyle, Butter and other celebrities are taught that "getting caught" is the destructive behaviour that got all of them into their situation. However, Kyle objects and says that maybe sex epidemic may even really be a disease, and that they have to blame it on themselves for having a lot of desire for sex. Then the sex therapist takes out his phone, calls a number and says "we have a turd in the punch bowl", referring to Kyle as the turd.

The scientists report the sex addiction epidemic to President Obama, and they find a clue that the Independence Hall is related to the outbreak of the disease. Obama says "Independence Hall... Independence Day... Aliens... Gentlemen, I might know what's causing the sex addiction outbreak!"

Obama, the military, Kyle and Butters all head to the Independence Hall to confront the wizard alien who has casted the spell of sex addiction upon the mankind. Obama thinks Kyle is not yet affected by the wizard alien's spells, and will be able to destroy the alien. The military gives Kyle and Butters shotguns, and they shoot a man in a alien costume (whom they say is the alien) to death.

Obama gives his victory speech, and the nation of America is again saved from being accused of a country filled with men who just go around humping others.

Funny Quotes:

(Cartman and Kenny are playing the messed up version of Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11, where Tiger and Elin harass each other with golf clubs)
Cartman: Woh dude! Was that a combo move?
Kenny: (mumble, mumble)
Cartman: Oh dude, here comes the cops! We gotta lie to them. Hit 'x' to lie.

Scientist: Auto erratic affixation.
Kenny: (mumbling) Auto erratic affixation, what's that?
Scientist: I don't want to go into too much detail, but you choke yourself with a belt around your neck while masturbating dressed up like a batman or something and you pass out from lack of air and apparently it makes your orgasm SUPER AWESOME!
Butters: Oh no! I don't want to have to buy a batman costume.

Scientist: See this chimp here. An average normal adult male. Blending in seamlessly with others. Now watch. We are going to give it a lot of money.
(other scientists pours a lot of money over the chimp, and the chimp starts to go around humping other chimpanzees. Then, the 'humping' chimp's wife comes and beats him with a wooden roll)
Scientist: The subject is now isolated and shunned.
Spectator: Incredible! Now, what's it doing now?
Scientist: Making a public apology on its talk show.

(Obama is giving the victory speech)
Obama: We watched as sex addiction ran rapid through our country, it devastated families. But once again, our great country has risen up as one, the wizard alien is dead, sex addiction is no more, and if a rich celebrity is caught again trying screw lots of women, we will know it isn't because men are just like that, it's because the the wizard alien has cast its mighty spell.

Buy S14E01 - Sexual Healing on Amazon for 1.99

Buy S14E01 - Sexual Healing HD for 2.99